Coming out again and again

Thursday, March 6th, 2014

The delicious (and I mean delicious) wedding cake from my mum and dad

When you're born a homosexualist like me, growing up is so much more complicated than it is for heterosexualists, and let's face it, growing up isn't easy at the best of times. Just becoming and being a teenager has a wealth of its own obstacles to overcome.
But when you're gay, it's even harder because while all the usual adolescent stuff is going on, you're also trying to work out why you have these feelings which seem different to those of your friends and family, and once you do manage to put a name to how you feel, there is the huge obstacle of actually accepting it and then being brave enough to let other people know.
Some people take years - decades, even - to realise or accept that they might be gay, others know early on and just get on with it. But there's one thing that almost all gay people have in common, and that's the dreaded day they come out for the first time.
I'm not going into the trials and tribulations of coming out here, but what I do want to write about is the phenomenon of the never-ending coming out. Because it doesn't happen just the once, you know. Coming out can happen every week, every day perhaps. You come out the first time to someone close to you, maybe your family or a friend, but then for the rest of your life you're constantly coming out again and again to people who do not know.
Society assumes everybody is heterosexual, it's the default. So every time I meet a new person, that person will automatically assume I am straight and that I have a girlfriend or wife. And so often you have to correct somebody's assumption, resulting in a mini coming out.
This happened yet again last night on my college course. Everybody had known for weeks that I was getting married, and were very excited for me, and yesterday was the first session back since the big day so there were lots of questions.
And then came that question: "And did your wife enjoy it?"
I politely replied: "Husband, actually." And they were very apologetic and not a little embarrassed, but all was fine and we just carried out chatting about the day.
But as the evening wore on and I chatted with more people, it kept cropping up again. "I'm sure your wife was as stressed as you were"; "It's good that you're learning to cook, it'll take some pressure off your wife"; "Now you have that ring on your finger, you're wife has control!"
And to my shame I just stopped correcting them because the first time I'd done it, it'd really embarrassed the person. Now the fact they made an incorrect assumption isn't my fault of course, and I fully understand why they did, but I just felt uncomfortable having to create awkward situations constantly just because I love a man instead of a woman.
Society makes assumptions all the time - even I assume everyone I meet is straight! - but it can get so tiring being the exception to the rule sometimes, and also pretty demoralising. Most people do not have to declare their sexuality every time they meet a new person, but when you're gay, you often do. It's a constant requirement to label and define what you are in terms of who you choose to sleep with rather than any number of other far more interesting aspects about you.
So it's been really bugging me that I didn't correct some people's assumptions last night because now they think I am married to a woman and I never told them I wasn't. The fear of being gay and being disliked because of it never quite leaves you...

Back to school

Thursday, January 9th, 2014

My new church

New year, new start, so they say, and it certainly has been for me.
I was signed off work for four weeks during December, a little longer than I could have anticipated, but you have to do what the doctor thinks best. And I am glad I did.
But it gave me lots of thinking time; time - as my doctor put it - to "reconnect" with myself. And it was during this time that I decided I wanted to do a college course, get back into learning again after 16 years out of academia.
I wouldn't say I was ever a keen learner. I enjoyed school, less so college, and even less so again university, but the reasons behind that are complex and not for here and now.
So I was quite pleased to leave university and enter into gainful (and well-earned) employment at the age of 21. But all these years later I feel it is time to start learning again, and learn something new. I've never wanted to go back into education before now, but I have come to realise that it is a mystery why we stop actively educating ourselves at 18 or 21 - why should education be reserved for the young (it's kind of wasted on them!).
Anyway, I signed up for my course on Monday lunchtime, and the first session was last night, so it was a quick turnaround.
I won't pretend that I wasn't impossibly nervous. It's quite scary going into an academic environment when you're not used to it, surrounded by spotty youths who you can't really relate to (or they you). I did wonder whether I was doing the right thing, whether the course would be full of 17-year-olds and I'd be the oldest there, old enough to be their father (god, that's depressing beyond words).
But it was OK, you know. I always say that nothing is as bad as the fear of it, and it's true. There were 15 people on the course, all sitting in a semi-circle in a room and all complete strangers. We were all in the same boat, although some were more confident in the environment than others.

Workbook and learning journal

After three hours we all felt much more relaxed, both with the course and each other, and there are nine more weeks to go yet. I have my "learning journal" (nowadays you have to write about your learning experiences, as well as about the topic itself!) and my workbook.
I have no idea whether this is the right course for me, but so far it feels like it can be. It's something new, different, refreshing and challenging, all things I need in my life right now.
As I said last time, 2014 is going to be a very good year, and this is the first step in a long but important journey.
I almost never went through with this course, almost talked myself out of it, almost never got out of the car before going in. But I found I was not alone, and making a journey with others is the best type of travel there is.